i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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