Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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