woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
