I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
