Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
