Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
