I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
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