Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
