Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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