do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
