My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
