Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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