I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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