i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
