My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
