Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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