In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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