Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
