I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
