ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
