walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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