Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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