I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
