Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
