You made me cry and you don't even care
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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