just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
