He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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