You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
