I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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