that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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