dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
