I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He felt like a one man threesome
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
