you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
