so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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