Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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