one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
