I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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