i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I forget how to act sober
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
