I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
