dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
