I'm so fucking centered right now
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize