She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
