guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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