he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
