I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
