It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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