You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Be still, my beating vagina.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
