You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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