Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
