dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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