her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
