i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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