Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
third nipple confirmed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
