Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
