How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
