If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
