he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
