Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
